Somehow, I was under the impression that growing old would take a lot longer.
My bucket list has only one item in it: keep breathing.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I replied, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
Just once, I would like a username and password prompt to say: “Close enough.”
I heard that the human brain is not designed to multitask. Well, I can listen, ignore, and forget, all at the same time. If that is not multitasking, I do not know what is!
At my funeral, I want you to take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the air. Whoever catches it is next.