Parental acceptance of a child is critical to the development of healthy, trusting relationships with others in adulthood. Speaking of the emotional pain that occurs from parental rejection, Professor Rohner, co-author of the study said: “Unlike physical pain, people can psychologically re-live the emotional pain of rejection over and over for years …In our half-century of international research, we’ve not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood.” The good news is that a person can recover if he or she is willing to identify the rejection as a parental problem, grieve the loss of healthy parenting and recover, work through the emotional trauma that resulted, raise his or her level of emotional intelligence, and choose to build some solid, trusting, relationships.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Research at the University of Connecticut, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, showed that regardless of race, culture, or gender, most people (children as well as adults) tended to have a similar response when they perceived rejection from their parents or caregivers. Rejection by either parent is traumatic for children. However, since fathers tend to be viewed as having more power or higher prestige, rejection by a father can be harder on you and can cause more long-lasting emotional damage than being rejected by your mother. As a result, such children tend to become more anxious and insecure and may also become more hostile and aggressive towards others. The emotional pain generated from the rejection registers in the same part of the brain as physical pain and can remain into adulthood, preventing the individual from developing strong, trusting relationships with other adults. This can negatively impact their own life in a myriad of differing ways unless the person chooses to actively recover. More tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Using the bank account metaphor for social insurance, the bad news is that apparently the brain does not wipe out negative balances at the end of the day, but instead carries them over to your next interaction with a given individual. This means that you can end the day not just being at zero but actually “in the red” with someone, which can add interest, if you will, to your emotional debt in their minds. Conversely, you can end the day with money in their bank. Leaving social interactions with positive outcomes is like adding money to their bank account, which tends to build trust, and may even resemble gaining interest in the deposit you made to your bank account with them.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Building social insurance in like making small deposits in a bank account that gradually accumulate and build trust between individuals. If you focus on trying to avoid making mistakes in social interactions, this can actually create a sense of anxiety, which can backfire as you attempt to provide four or five positives for each negative impact. In addition, small and even subtle positives appear to have the same effect as big positives. Therefore, finding ways to make many small positive impacts is likely to be the best way to approach social insurance. These could include smiling, using genuine mirthful laughter together, letting someone go first in line, sending a kind message encouraging someone who is going for an interview or facing a tough challenge at work, or sending a short text saying, “Thanks for inviting me to lunch. It was fun and I had a good time.” More tomorrow.
Monday, June 25, 2018
Since Emotional Intelligence is such an important part of success—and since it is so often misunderstood—“Social Insurance” may be another practical way to understand this. Research by John Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington (in an attempt to gain more understanding about relationships and how they function) found that brains apparently keep an informal count of behaviors and categorize them as positive or negative. Think of this as a positive-negative emotional bank account that resides in each brain. And it isn’t just tit-for-tat, either. It’s more than keeping an equal score of positive versus negative behaviors. Social insurance indicates that you need to keep a balance of at least four or five positive behaviors to every negative behavior in order to maintain good relationships. More tomorrow.
Friday, June 22, 2018
In general, children tend to find spanking highly stressful and the experience(s) can leave them with a number of deleterious outcomes:
- Post-traumatic stress disorder
- A tendency to startle easily
- An ongoing dread of bad things happening.
The benefits of discipline for misbehavior that avoids spanking appear to include:
- A reduction in juvenile delinquency
- Less adult violence
- Less masochistic sexual activity
- An increased probability of completing higher education and earning a higher income
- Lower rates of depression and alcohol abuse
There are ways to discipline that reduce the likelihood of these negative outcomes, but they take careful thought and time to implement. Most parents would like their children to be smart and successful. Avoiding spanking and dealing with misbehavior in other more functional and effective ways can help make that more likely to happen. If you want smarter and more successful children, such strategies are worth it.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
There is an ongoing debate about the pros and cons of corporal punishment in raising children and adolescents. Researchers have found a link between spanking and IQ levels:
· Children who were spanked in childhood have lower IQs
· The more children were spanked, the slower the development of their mental ability and the lower their IQ level
· Countries in which spanking children was more common saw stronger links between corporal punishment and IQ
· The IQ of children 2–4 years old who were not spanked was 5 points higher when tested four years later than those who were spanked.
· Corporal punishment experienced into the teenage years may hamper brain development even more.
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Fast forward to 2015 when a group of Polish scientists who decided to repeat Milgram’s experiments. Dr Tomasz Grzyb, a study author, reported that the results are just as surprising in this century as they were in the last. Eighty people participated in the study. Researchers found that 90% of participants went all the way to the maximum level of electrocution after being ‘ordered’ to do so by the experimenter. Grzyb said that half a century after Milgram’s original research into obedience to authority, a striking majority of subjects are still willing to electrocute a helpless individual. He also reported that upon learning about Milgram’s original experiments, a vast majority of people claimed, “I would never behave in such a manner.” Nevertheless, this repeat study has illustrated again the tremendous power of a situation in which the participants are confronted with obedience demands and how easily they can agree to things which they find unpleasant. Ask yourself, “What you would do if repeatedly ordered to give a strong electric shock to a helpless stranger?”
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Do you recall hearing or reading about Stanley Milgram’s obedience experiments in 1963? One of the most famous of studies? His well-known experiments—the stuff of legend as one person described them--were designed to test obedience to authority (Milgram, 1963). He crafted his obedience experiments in an effort to identify how far human beings will actually go when an authority figure orders them to hurt another human being. In his original experiments Milgram reported that 63% of the participants continued to administer all the shocks demanded of them even with the other individual (an actor) “screamed in agony.” Interestingly enough, one study found that Australian women were much less obedient. More tomorrow.
Monday, June 18, 2018
2011 studies by Christopher Badcock PhD suggested that the Y likely carries 100 or so genes with no evidence that any are linked to cognitive ability. While the X carries around 1,200-odd genes, with mounting evidence that at least 150 of these genes are linked to intelligence, and definite evidence that verbal IQ is X-linked. Some studies have also suggested that a father’s X-chromosome genes may be responsible for much of the development of the brain’s limbic system, while a mother’s X-chromosome genes may be more related to cognitive abilities. (But the father got his X from his mother . . .) See what I mean? Some define intelligence simply as the ability to solve problems. But to solve problems, the limbic system is activated as well because the brain works as a whole. Even if intelligence is closely linked to rational thinking functions, it is also influenced by intuition and emotions. While intelligence levels impact the ability to solve problems, effective problem-solving involves cognitive as well as emotional abilities. I guess we’ll just need to stay tuned.
Friday, June 15, 2018
Some estimate that only about 40-60% of intelligence is inherited, the remaining percentage depending on how the brain is stimulated and what happens in the environments to which the brain is exposed. For example, is the brain being stimulated and challenged with creative activities and learning or is it exposed to mostly passive mental picturing activities as occurs with watching television? This means that even when a child possesses a high IQ range, that intelligence potential must be nourished. Work by Robert Lehrke revealed that a child’s intelligence depends on the X chromosome and that cognitive abilities on the X chromosome are passed from father to daughter and not from father to son (which invalidated earlier studies of parent-child transmission of IQ, which included father-son correlations). Lehrke also noted that males are more likely to be exceptionally high in cognitive abilities (other than memory), especially in such areas as advanced mathematics, spatial perception, and creative music. In some ways, the more research that is released the more confusing this becomes. More tomorrow.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
In Kindergarten, five-old Farguart learned to hang a sign around his neck with a ‘feeling’ label on it to identify the emotion he was experiencing, and to change the ‘feeling’ label as he climbed to joy on the little wooden stairs steps:
- Joy: I feel glad
- Anger: I feel mad
- Fear: I feel scared
- Sadness: I feel so-sad
If little Farguart could learn to identify emotions and feelings, articulate desirable behaviors—and then actually follow-through and exhibit them—so can you. Moreover you can role-model these skills to others and help them develop their skills that contribute 80% to their success in life. In the process, you, too can be more successful.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
You may recall the famous quote to the effect that all the world is a stage and we are only players. Metaphorically, your brain has a stage and you are on it every waking moment of your entire life. One personal assistant (core emotion) is on stage with you at a time, with the other three waiting in the wings to move on or off the stage, one at a time, depending on the circumstances and events in your life. According to Candace B. Pert, PhD, a specific neuropeptide (a brain chemical than affects moods) may be associated with each emotion so you can experience only one core emotion at a time, although they can rapidly alternate on stage. Learn to identify quickly when emotions change on stage. Your brain will create a feeling about the emotion and what it means. Know that you have the power to change the way you feel by changing the way you think about the event or situation because feelings always follow thoughts. More tomorrow
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Live at joy and when a protective emotions surfaces, deal with it timely and effectively. Then walk back up the metaphorical emotions staircase to Joy. Using the new and more effective style, talk your way back up as needed. Stop talking about the old behavior and only talk about the behavior you want to have happen. Talk to yourself and to others using ‘your name’ plus ‘you’ and short, positive, present-tense words. For example:
- “Jim, you say ‘excuse me’ when leaving the table”
- “Remi, you pet the dog gently and kindly”
- “Toni, you walk in the morning for 20 minutes”
- "Pearl, you speak kindly to your sibling"
As your own EQ skills improve, the protective emotions are less likely to be triggered from learned anger, anxiety, or imaginary fears. You become less and less likely to exhibit JOT behaviors (Jumping to Conclusions, Overreacting, Taking things personally).
Monday, June 11, 2018
1. Identify the loss and the pain of sadness. Loss is part and parcel of being human and need not signal the end of life as the child knows it. Appropriate grieving and recovery gives the child hope for the future and shows that it is possible for life to continue bringing memories along with it (e.g., carry the memories of the person you love in your heart and mind)
2. Verbalize calmly and appropriately “My heart is so-sad . . . “ or “My heart hurts because . . . “
3. Be congruent: Exhibit a sad expression. This may or may not include tears. Avoid sobbing and hysteria, which can frighten a child. Avoid prolonged periods of sadness—get help to resolve this as needed. Children need a happy childhood. Doses of reality will definitely be there as circumstances arise—but they should never be allowed to destroy the joys of childhood.)
4. Exhibit appropriate actions: This will depend on the type of loss. The goal is to move through recovery and embrace living a full life in a timely manner, retaining memories but letting go the sting of the loss. More tomorrow.
Friday, June 8, 2018
1. Identify the perceived danger and whether it is real and actual or imagined. Fear, managed appropriately, helps you avoid danger and/or protect yourself and your loved ones from danger. Appropriate role-modeling of fear helps the child avoid immobilization due to terror or injury due to recklessness.
2. Verbalize calmly and appropriately: “I’m scared. The sound of thunder can be very scary – we are safer to go inside” or “I’m a little frightened of speaking in public – My practicing is helping me to know I am able to do this. I choose to enjoy it.”
3. Be congruent: If it is genuine fear, frown and exhibit a protective posture. If imagined fear, keep your face calm and take a few deep breaths.
4. Exhibit an appropriate action: a hug or hand on arm or shoulder can help the child to know that fear can be managed. If it involves your imagined fears, smile and exhibit a confident posture.More tomorrow.
Thursday, June 7, 2018
1. Identify the boundary invasion: addressing a boundary invasion appropriately helps reinforce respect for your own personal space as well as that of others. Doing so definitely and graciously role-models that retaliation need not be part of implementing and maintaining personal boundaries.
2. Verbalize calmly and appropriately: “I’m mad I was shoved. . . It’s important to avoid shoving. . .” Save any adult-style personal discussions for your support system. Children’s brains are insufficiently developed to cope with intense adult emotions and should not be subjected to them—it can be frightening.
3. Be congruent: Keep your face calm without a smile while verbalizing the above. Keep your posture somewhat stiff to emphasize this is important. No joking, etc.
4. Exhibit a functional action: Take a couple of deep breaths. Avoid any blame statements. Make it clear that you know what happened, got the information, have addressed it, and now you are letting it go. This helps a child to compare desirable versus undesirable behavior. Now is the time to smile and be gracious. If forgiveness is appropriate and you have worked through that, mention that you choose to forgive the person because you choose to be healthy.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
1. Identify things or situations for which you can express: Appreciation, Contentment, Gratitude, and Happiness. The more you recognize small “joys” in life the more you program the dopamine circuits in The Brain Reward System to respond to them
2. Verbalize often: I am glad about . . . Life is good . . . How beautiful this _________ is . . .You are valuable just because you exist . . . I am happy you are part of my family . . .
3. Consistently exhibit congruence: pleasant, happy face, and an open relaxed posture
4. Choose to smile frequently: your smiles help a child feel valuable, cherished, and safe. When you smile, it often elicits smiles in others, in your child. Avoid trying to act euphoric on an ongoing basis. Euphoria involves genuine brief episodes of intense joy that cannot be sustained (e.g., straight lined) without an addictive behavior.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Children always watch you closely, even after they reach adulthood. When you are in the grip of a strong core emotion, they may wonder what the emotion(s) means in your life, how you deal with the emotions, and if they are safe with you. Here are four tips:
1. Accurately identify the emotion that has arisen in your brain and body and be honest about it, first to yourself and then to your children. Remember that frustration and irritation are likely part of the emotion of anger.
2. Verbalize the emotion using age-appropriate feeling words (I’m glad, mad, scared, so-sad, etc.)
3. Be congruent at all times. Make sure your words, voice tones, and body language all match so there is no confusion created in the observers’ mind
4. Take appropriate and needed actions (which may mean doing
nothing at the moment—just gaining information that can help you make a good choice in the future)
Monday, June 4, 2018
Did you grow up learning that all emotions are positive? They are simply signals designed to move valuable information from the subconscious to the conscious mind. Joy is the desirable default position .It is the only core emotion that has no negative consequences when maintained over time. Joy appears to be aligned with the left hemisphere of the brain. The three protective emotions, anger, fear, and sadness, are aligned with the right hemisphere. When protective emotions are maintained over time, negative consequences often arise. Mismanaged emotions and behaviors that result in negative outcomes may build cellular memories—often impacting generation after generation. If anger surfaces in your brain frequently, ask, “Who was angry in my family or the past few generations?” If you are frequently fearful ask,” “Who was fearful in my family or the past few generations?” If you struggle with sadness, ask, “Who was sad in my family or the past few generations?” More tomorrow.
Friday, June 1, 2018
Four core emotions can be seen on the face of the fetus during pregnancy based on what it happening to the mother emotionally:
· Joy—a signal that all is going quite well in life. It provides energy to live life to its fullness; when problems arise, you know you have the tools / support network to handle them, which give you some calm assurance
· Anger—a signal that your boundaries have been invaded. It provides information and energy to create and implement appropriate personal limits
· Fear—a signal that you may be in some type of danger (real or imagined). It provides information and energy to help you take steps to protect yourself and those you love.
· Sadness—a signal that you have suffered a loss. It provides information and energy to help you grieve the loss, recover, (learn to feel better), and move back to joy.
You are not responsible for every emotion that surfaces, Typically you are responsible for those that arise based on what you put into your brain (e.g., what you see, hear, watch, read . . .), as well as identifying your feelings and choosing either to hang onto them or to change them by altering the way you are thinking. And, finally, for the behaviors you exhibit and the actions you take. More tomorrow.