Emotional Competency

Emotional Competency allows you to: Tackle emotional upsets and avoid emotional exhaustion (no ‘stuffing it’ or building a ‘slush fund’ of unresolved emotional energy) Possess optimum self-esteem (not under- or overinflated but balanced). You know you are valuable just because you exist and although levels of competencies exist, each person on the planet is valuable Handle egoism (take the initiative to prevent and/or resolve conflict) Use tactful responses to emotional stimuli (no overt response may be most appropriate at the moment)

Dimensions of EQ

In his book Emotional Intelligence at Work, author Dahlip Singh PhD points out that EQ consists of three psychological dimensions that motivate people to maximize productivity, to manage manage change effectively and successfully, and resolve conflict. These three dimensions are: 1.  Emotional competency 2.  Emotional maturity 3.  Emotional sensitivity

Event Related or Not

When you understand that your feelings are connected to what you think about an event and not by the event itself, you can gain a measure of perspective and control. You can change your thoughts and a change in thoughts often can radically alter your feelings and your behaviors—because feelings always follow thoughts. It is immensely empowering to realize that you are not at the mercy of your emotions and / or feelings. You can obtain the information your emotions are trying to convey and make decisions about what it anything needs to be done at the moment, without “emoting.”

Emotions-Feelings Cascade

There is a predictable cascade when an emotion arises and is turned into a feeling. An internal or external stimulus triggers an emotion. The brain tries to make sense of bodily physiological changes from the emotion The brain makes an interpretation of what this emotion means, which results in a feeling You become aware of a feeling—that followed a thought You either hang onto the feeling and exhibit a related behavior or you change the thought, which changes the feeling, and then you exhibit a different behavior

Emotionally Mature Adults, Part 2

Emotionally Mature Adults, Part 2

High EQ Behaviors:

Motivated

Contented

Connected

Calm

Interdependent

Energetic

Perceive success

Use AAA much of the time

Low EQ Behaviors:

Dejected

Angry

Lonely

Stressed Dependent

Fatigued

Perceive failure

Exhibit JOT behaviors frequently

If you are employer, who would you rather hire? If you are an employee, who would prefer to work with? If you are looking for romance, what do you want in a partner?

Emotionally Mature Adults

Emotionally Mature Adults Emotionally mature adults tend to exhibit behaviors that represent high levels of EQ—most of the time: High EQ Behaviors: Satisfied Aware Balanced Peaceful Good self-esteem Happy (grateful, appreciative, hopeful) Low EQ Behaviors: Frustrated Unaware Unstable Restless Poor self-worth Unhappy (blaming, judgmental, critical)

EQ Problems, 3

Adults who are “teenagers” emotionally: Tend to live defensively and argue if criticized Are unable to deal with conflict, blaming others or refusing to discuss the issue at all Are critical and judgmental of others (often in an attempt to make themselves feel better about themselves) Often may be self-absorbed, unable to empathize with or help others; instead they rush to “tell their own sad story” May lie or exaggerate to look better in the eyes of others

EQ Problems, 2

Adults who are “children” emotionally can be a real challenge to deal with: May pout, whine, complain, throw tantrums or objects, stamp their feet metaphorically, withdraw and / or isolate if what they want is not quickly forthcoming Tend to take disappointments or a simple difference of opinion personally; may be sarcastic or retaliate with threats (You never loved me; I’m leaving) Act ‘hurt’ very easily and complain of being ‘stressed’

Examples of EQ problems

Individuals may be decades into adult life and still be functioning at a very low level of EQ. For example: Adults who are “babies” emotionally, typically: Are unable to delay gratification Want someone else to “take care” of them Use tantrums in an effort to get their own way Tend to view others as a means to their own ends May be overcontrolling or overly compliant

AAA Behaviors – Antidote to JOT

How do you minimize JOT behaviors and build higher levels of EQ skills? By implementing AAA replacement behaviors, of course. Think of AAA as insurance against JOT behaviors, with a high potential for life-side assistance.

Ask questions to clarify—rather than jumping to a conclusion that may be way off base and out in left field Act calmly as you assess the situation—instead of launching into a reactive emotional tsunami that typically requires cleanup  (broken dishes to broken hearts) Alter your perception or reframe the event—to avoid taking things personally, recognizing it may have nothing to do with you at all Two caveats: the brain’s willpower was not designed to stop a bad behavior that tends to result in negative outcomes and that often requires a lot of cleanup. Willpower was designed to help you implement a better behavior that tends to give you positive outcomes. Creating new behaviors takes time and practice AND it can be done.

EQ Evaluation

What EQ skills did you observe growing up?  What EQ skills did you learn growing up?  What EQ skills did you learn in adulthood?  How many problems do you deal with related to low EQ skills?  How much conflict is in your life? Some suggest that 50% of all the problems human experience relate to how they are thinking—and EQ skills (present or absent) play a big part. Start raising your level of EQ by identifying JOT behaviors quickly and immediately embracing AAA replacement behaviors that tend to result in positive outcomes; sure it takes effort, but if you’re serious it can go quite quickly.

JOT Behaviors

Three common behaviors align with low levels of EQ and I have defined them as JOT behaviors: J = Jumping to conclusions (Assuming rather than asking questions to clarify) O = Overreacting (Displaying emotional behaviors beyond what the present incident warrants) T = Taking things personally (Applying everything to yourself rather than asking how much—if anything—it had to do with you)

EQ Markers, 2

Some sources describe EQ as a set of eight skills. Here are skills five through eight: Able to listen, read and interpret  social cues, and understand the perspective of others (whether or not there is agreement) Able to exhibit effective verbal and nonverbal skills along with empathy and compassion Able to manage own feelings and moods effectively – or seek help as needed Able to handle relationships effectively, minimizing JOT (any tendency to take things personally, to overreact, or jump to conclusions)

EQ Markers

EQ Markers Some sources describe EQ as a set of eight skills. Here are the first four: Able to identify,  accurately label, assess level   of intensity, and express emotions appropriately Able to recognize what the emotion is trying to communicate Able to delay gratification and exhibit good impulse control Able to articulate the difference between recognizing and identifying a specific emotion and taking any immediate action based on it

EQ Myths

There are many EQ Myths. Here are examples: EQ skills are inherited (false). They must be developed. EQ is fixed genetically (false).EQ involves learned skills. EQ is developed only in childhood (false). You can develop the skills any time you want to start doing so. EQ equates with being ‘nice’ (false). It equates with being graciously functional. EQ is higher in females (false) It’s not gender-related. EQ means giving free reign to your feelings (false). It helps you manage emotions and feelings more successfully.

EQ Continuum

EQ Continuum When Goleman’s first book on Emotional Intelligence was released in the mid ’90s many had never even heard of EQ much less had any idea of what it really described or how it could possibly impact their lives—even fewer had any concept of a metaphorical EQ Continuum on which behaviors could be plotted based on outcomes: positive or negative. High                       Average                        Low   Naturally, the higher one’s position on the EQ Continuum, the easier it is to identify high versus low behaviors—in yourself and in others. You can only deal with a behavior successfully when you can identify it, determine the type of outcomes it gave you, and own your choices. At that point you can choose to repeat the behavior or take steps to learn a new behavior that is more likely to give you positive outcomes.

Purpose of Emotions

Emotions are fast-acting cellular signals triggered by an internal or external stimulus and designed to: 1.    Get your attention 2.  Connect the conscious with subconscious mind 3.  Provide you with information 4.  Give you energy to take action 5.  Help you make moral and ethical decisions 6.   Bind your perceptions to your conscious beliefs, making      what you think about seem even more real at the time

Motivators and Interrupters

In addition to at least joy, anger, fear, and sadness, there are some emotional assistants. Motivators—Surprise and Disgust—enhance the strength of the emotions and may surface in combination with any core emotion. Interrupters—Shame and Guilt—are likely learned reactions. They may be helpful and healthy or false and unhealthy / unhelpful). They “interrupt” what is going on to tell you that something you did is resulting in undesirable outcomes. This gives you a chance to take a look at your behaviors and course correct—and/or apologize—as appropriate.

Emotions-Energy

Some say, “Life would be much simpler if we didn’t have to deal with emotions.” Yes it might be simpler, but would that be better? Likely not. Take the clock metaphor: Without an energy source, the clock would not “tell time.” It would be motionless. Well, you would be “motionless” without emotions to give you information and energy. Getting rid of emotions is not the ticket; learning to manage them successful, is. You can experience each emotion and receive the information it provides without emoting (e.g., giving expression to it or taking any action). Sometimes just observing and learning in any given moment is what needs to happen. Then when you next experience a similar situation, you are better able to deal with it effectively.

Core Emotions

Studies have shown that facial expressions registering at least joy, anger, fear, and sadness are inborn and may be seen on the face of a fetus during gestation based on what is happening to the mother. These have been termed “core emotions.”  The fetus knows more than most people would imagine. For example, it appears that the fetus “knows” if it is wanted—and if it is the gender the parents prefer. Remember, however, that EQ is not “emotions” but rather is a method of managing them successfully on a consistent basis. Human beings communicate with themselves, with others, and with nature through emotions. That’s one reason low EQ can be deadly negative to relationships while high EQ is worth 80 percent of your success in life: personally and professionally.

Present-Past Connection

Socrates reportedly taught that the unexamined life is not worth living. Researchers estimate that only about 10-15% of what at goes on in the “mind” comes to conscious awareness. Studies suggest that 70% of relational choices and communication in the present reflect your own past, primarily what exists outside of conscious awareness but impacts everything at a subconscious level. Many people want to “let sleeping dogs lie” and prefer not to connect the past with the present (it is so much easier to blame others); however, you can only deal effectively with and manage well what you can identify, label, and describe.

Brain & Wholeness

Peter Scazzero has pointed out that family patterns from the past are played out in one’s present relationships without the person necessarily being aware of it. When one’s own level of spirituality or emotional intelligence is low, their behaviors will reflect their family-of-origin issues, the spoken and unspoken rules handed to you at birth, your brain function, unidentified and/or unhealed woundedness¾all packaged in layers of behaviors passed on from biological ancestors. Wholeness begins with knowing who you are and what happened to you—and to your biological or adoptive ancestors, insofar as possible. It involves identifying traumas that stopped your emotional growth and kept you from maturing spiritually and emotionally—what you learn may be hard pills to swallow but maturing into high levels of spiritual and emotional growth begins with those pills.

EQ & Spirituality

The human brain is at least spiritual, relational, and sexual (which includes aspects of mental, emotional, and social functions); it needs to “grow up” emotionally and spiritually and integrate those functions. Spirituality encompasses the spirit in which you live life, including ethical/moral choices.  It may involve an inner sense of something greater than oneself, the recognition of a meaning to existence that transcends immediate circumstances, a sense of awe, affiliation, vision, or goals to achieve the highest possible levels of brain-body health and wellness (high-level-healthiness). It may/may not involve affiliation with religion. All families and all individuals are damaged—some more than others—trying to serve from a well of unmet needs is unhelpful to the person, as well as to those whom they are trying to serve, and may do far more damage than good.