Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Most Important Nutrient

What would you guess is your most important nutrient? It’s WATER because your body cannot manufacturer it! You can live much longer—maybe ten times longer—without food than without water. In general, the brain and body follow the same ratio as does planet Earth: 75% water, 25% solid matter. Muscle cells are 75% water, but brain cells are 85% water. According to Mayo Clinic, the average adult loses more than ten eight-ounce glasses of water every day through sweating, breathing, and waste elimination. The average adult drinks less than four eight-ounce glasses of water each day, which puts them six eight-ounce glasses in the hole. And that’s deadly for your brain and body. More tomorrow.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Brain and Interactions, 2

In order to really take in and understand what one other person is saying to you, you need to process 60 bits of information per second. Can you see the problem when more than one person is trying to talk to you at the same time? The triplets, or three neighbors, or you name it . . . With a processing capacity of 120 bits of information per second, you can barely understand what is going on when two people are talking to you at the same time. Three people? Dream on. Under most circumstances you will not be able to understand what three people are saying. The brain was not set up to multitask well. When two people are talking to you the brain may be able to manage that, but if a third person comes into the mix the brain may try to multitask—and will likely engage in rapidly alternating shifts of attention. Naturally, some parts of the conversations will fall through the cracks and never get filed away in your brain. 

Friday, July 13, 2018

Brain and Interactions

Have you ever been talking with several people in a group and noticed that it seemed as if some of the brains were either “not keeping up” with the conversation or seemed to be missing “sections” of what was being said? Maybe you’ve even sensed that in yourself and wondered if Alzheimer’s was knocking at your door. Turns out that the part of your brain known as the “conscious mind” has a processing capacity. Based on research this capacity has been estimated to be 120 bits of information per second. That represents the amount of information that your mind can pay conscious attention to at any one time. This has a definite impact on your interactions with others—and helps to explain what you take in and what you miss. You really need to pay attention—consciously—for something to register and encode itself in your life experience. More tomorrow.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Brain & Happiness

Recent studies have added to the body of knowledge regarding happiness—often a rather misunderstood concept. For some, happiness means “feeling high” all the time, which likely is way off the mark. As pointed out by Daniel J. Levitin in The Organized Mind, individuals who are happy are not those who have “more.” Rather they are people who are happy with what they already have. They regularly engage in what he calls satisficing—“all of the time.” Instead of wishing for what they do not have or comparing what they have with what they perceive others have, they are thankful for what they already have (even as they pursue their goals and dreams). Oprah Winfrey put it this way: "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough."

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Relationship Recovery, 2

When there is something you don’t understand, ASK the other person what he or she meant and do that as soon as possible. The more time that goes by and the more water that flows under the bridge, the more problematic this can be. Sometimes one or both even forget what the initial triggering incident involved. Review how you saw others behave growing up in similar situations and decide if you want to continue that pattern or craft a healthier response and a new strategy. If you care about the other person and want to maintain the relationship, it can be worth the work—given he or she has the same goal. If you don’t care that much about the friendship and choose to walk away, be sure that unless you change your own behavioral patterns the same “silent treatment” based on triggers will likely be repeated in the new friendship.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Relationships Recovery

Every human being comes out the proverbial chute with undesirable baggage, often from cellular memories of behaviors exhibited by individuals in their biological line. This gets added to by the events and environments each child and each experiences, by watching how others respond to difficulties, the self-worth and self-esteem issues that can accrue. In any disconnect, it is critical to ask yourself: “What was my contribution to this?” Identify that, take responsibility for what you contributed (and not for what you did not contribute). Be willing to apologize for your contribution and negotiate the issue. Regardless how much you care about the other person, miscommunications occur, especially when you are texting and emailing because there is no visual recruitment of nonverbal body language to accompany the words. More tomorrow.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Toxic Relationship Pattern, 3

 Researchers studying the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction between individuals concluded that the bottom-line reason for the relational problem and the resulting “silent treatment” was something fairly simply. Each person viewed the other as “the problem.” Is it possible to alter this toxic pattern? Of course, if both individuals care enough about the friendship or romantic relationship to choose to do so. Resolution likely starts with each individual “doing their own rat killing” as an old expression goes. Most individuals have some idea of what the other’s “hot buttons” are and yet continue to press them and then blame the other person. They fail to look at the fact that in any two-person misunderstanding, estimates are that only 30% has to do with the present moment and the other person; while 70% has to do with each person’s own baggage from the past. More tomorrow.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Toxic Relationship Pattern, 2

The “silent treatment” in the ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern is not only difficult to escape from but does horrible damage to the relationship. Individuals who got caught in this relational trap reported the lowest level of satisfaction. They also showed poor communication skills, lower intimacy (especially if it was a romantic relationship), higher levels of anxiety and aggression. Some even reported accompanying physical symptoms including bowel problems, urinary trouble, and erectile dysfunction in males. Sometimes it was the female in the relationship/friendship who asked for something, complained, or was critical and the male initiated the “silent treatment” in response. Sometimes it was the other way around. No matter: it was equally damaging to the relationship to say nothing of each individual’s own level of physical and mental health. More tomorrow.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Toxic Relationship Pattern

Social Scientists have often studied the impact of negative behaviors on relationships including resentment and withdrawing from conflict. Researchers completed A Meta-Analytical Review of 74 studies and 14,000 participants and a Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes. Their conclusions were that the “silent treatment” is part of one of the most common and most toxic patterns in any relationship. Psychologists tend to refer to it as a ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern. One partner/friend asks the other for something, or makes a critical observation or complaint. The other partner/friend then initiates the “silent treatment” that may last for hours, days, or even weeks. One person reported continued that silent-treatment pattern for two years. Two years! More tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Happy July 4th

No doubt in all the fun and frolic of this holiday you may hear some Paraprosdokians. The word comes from the Greek and means: “against expectation.” And that’s exactly what happens in this figure of speech: the last portion of the phrase or sentence part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected in a way that causes you to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Paraprosdokians are frequently used in humor and/or for dramatic effect.

Light travels faster than sound. This is the reason some individuals look bright—until you hear them speak.

Never argue with idiots. They’ll pull you down to their level and beat you with experience.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Many never really grow up, they only learn how to act in public—some of the time.

War does not determine who is right—only who is left.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018



The Brain & Parental Rejection, 4

While waiting in line recently, the woman next to me began to chat about recently reconnecting with her parents 40+ years after she had left Asia as a small girl with her older brother—whom she was very close to. During all those years she had wondered “why my parents rejected me.” Her parents said that she had begged to go to American with her brother, but they had refused and locked her in her bedroom. Somehow she had climbed out of her bedroom window, caught up with her brother, and he had taken her with him to America. As they talked together, the woman began to get glimpses in her mind’s eye of running down the street after her brother, crying, and calling to him to take her with him. The woman said “I’m so glad I finally got up the courage to ask them why they had rejected me. Turns out they hadn’t!” Admittedly, things don’t always turn out like this—but unless you try, all you are left with are your brain’s own perceptions . . .

Monday, July 2, 2018

The Brain & Parental Rejection, 3

How can you recover from parental rejection? The steps are much like those used in other instances of emotional pain. First, identify what you believed happened and describe it to yourself. If possible, tell your parent(s) you felt rejected as a child and ask what was going on with them because you “might have misinterpreted something.” If they are willing to talk, just listen, then thank them for sharing with you and being honest. Now just think about what they said or if you cannot ask them, ask an aunt or uncle; and if that is not possible, move into your mind’s eye and ask your brain what might have been going on with them. You cannot undo the past. You can create a healthier future by resolving the emotional angst and letting it go. Sometimes the best you can do is acknowledge that it was their baggage and not yours. If you hang onto “why” and “if only,” you are allowing the rejection to continue to taint your life. When you work through what happened, raising your level of EQ, and asking questions when possible, sometimes amazing healing can take place. More tomorrow.

Friday, June 29, 2018

The Brain & Parental Rejection, 2

Parental acceptance of a child is critical to the development of healthy, trusting relationships with others in adulthood. Speaking of the emotional pain that occurs from parental rejection, Professor Rohner, co-author of the study said: “Unlike physical pain, people can psychologically re-live the emotional pain of rejection over and over for years …In our half-century of international research, we’ve not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood.” The good news is that a person can recover if he or she is willing to identify the rejection as a parental problem, grieve the loss of healthy parenting and recover, work through the emotional trauma that resulted, raise his or her level of emotional intelligence, and choose to build some solid, trusting, relationships.

Thursday, June 28, 2018

The Brain & Parental Rejection

Research at the University of Connecticut, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, showed that regardless of race, culture, or gender, most people (children as well as adults) tended to have a similar response when they perceived rejection from their parents or caregivers. Rejection by either parent is traumatic for children. However, since fathers tend to be viewed as having more power or higher prestige, rejection by a father can be harder on you and can cause more long-lasting emotional damage than being rejected by your mother. As a result, such children tend to become more anxious and insecure and may also become more hostile and aggressive towards others. The emotional pain generated from the rejection registers in the same part of the brain as physical pain and can remain into adulthood, preventing the individual from developing strong, trusting relationships with other adults. This can negatively impact their own life in a myriad of differing ways unless the person chooses to actively recover. More tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Brain & Social Insurance, 3

Using the bank account metaphor for social insurance, the bad news is that apparently the brain does not wipe out negative balances at the end of the day, but instead carries them over to your next interaction with a given individual. This means that you can end the day not just being at zero but actually “in the red” with someone, which can add interest, if you will, to your emotional debt in their minds. Conversely, you can end the day with money in their bank. Leaving social interactions with positive outcomes is like adding money to their bank account, which tends to build trust, and may even resemble gaining interest in the deposit you made to your bank account with them.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Brain & Social Insurance, 2

Building social insurance in like making small deposits in a bank account that gradually accumulate and build trust between individuals. If you focus on trying to avoid making mistakes in social interactions, this can actually create a sense of anxiety, which can backfire as you attempt to provide four or five positives for each negative impact. In addition, small and even subtle positives appear to have the same effect as big positives. Therefore, finding ways to make many small positive impacts is likely to be the best way to approach social insurance. These could include smiling, using genuine mirthful laughter together, letting someone go first in line, sending a kind message encouraging someone who is going for an interview or facing a tough challenge at work, or sending a short text saying, “Thanks for inviting me to lunch. It was fun and I had a good time.” More tomorrow.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Brain & Social Insurance

Since Emotional Intelligence is such an important part of success—and since it is so often misunderstood—“Social Insurance” may be another practical way to understand this. Research by John Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington (in an attempt to gain more understanding about relationships and how they function) found that brains apparently keep an informal count of behaviors and categorize them as positive or negative. Think of this as a positive-negative emotional bank account that resides in each brain. And it isn’t just tit-for-tat, either. It’s more than keeping an equal score of positive versus negative behaviors. Social insurance indicates that you need to keep a balance of at least four or five positive behaviors to every negative behavior in order to maintain good relationships. More tomorrow.

Friday, June 22, 2018

IQ and Corporal Punishment (CP), 2

In general, children tend to find spanking highly stressful and the experience(s) can leave them with a number of deleterious outcomes:

  • Post-traumatic stress disorder
  • A tendency to startle easily
  • An ongoing dread of bad things happening.
 The benefits of discipline for misbehavior that avoids spanking appear to include:

  • A reduction in juvenile delinquency
  • Less adult violence
  • Less masochistic sexual activity
  • An increased probability of completing higher education and earning a higher income
  • Lower rates of depression and alcohol abuse
 There are ways to discipline that reduce the likelihood of these negative outcomes, but they take careful thought and time to implement. Most parents would like their children to be smart and successful. Avoiding spanking and dealing with misbehavior in other more functional and effective ways can help make that more likely to happen. If you want smarter and more successful children, such strategies are worth it.

Thursday, June 21, 2018

IQ and Corporal Punishment (CP)

There is an ongoing debate about the pros and cons of corporal punishment in raising children and adolescents. Researchers have found a link between spanking and IQ levels:
·                     Children who were spanked in childhood have lower IQs
·                     The more children were spanked, the slower the development of their mental ability and the lower their IQ level
·                     Countries in which spanking children was more common saw stronger links between corporal punishment and IQ
·                     The IQ of children 2–4 years old who were not spanked was 5 points higher when tested four years later than those who were spanked.
·                     Corporal punishment experienced into the teenage years may hamper brain development even more.
More tomorrow

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Obedience – Administering Electric Shock, 2

Fast forward to 2015 when a group of Polish scientists who decided to repeat Milgram’s experiments. Dr Tomasz Grzyb, a study author, reported that the results are just as surprising in this century as they were in the last. Eighty people participated in the study. Researchers found that 90% of participants went all the way to the maximum level of electrocution after being ‘ordered’ to do so by the experimenter. Grzyb said that half a century after Milgram’s original research into obedience to authority, a striking majority of subjects are still willing to electrocute a helpless individual. He also reported that upon learning about Milgram’s original experiments, a vast majority of people claimed, “I would never behave in such a manner.” Nevertheless, this repeat study has illustrated again the tremendous power of a situation in which the participants are confronted with obedience demands and how easily they can agree to things which they find unpleasant. Ask yourself, “What you would do if repeatedly ordered to give a strong electric shock to a helpless stranger?”


Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Obedience – Administering Electric Shock

Do you recall hearing or reading about Stanley Milgram’s obedience experiments in 1963? One of the most famous of studies? His well-known experiments—the stuff of legend as one person described them--were designed to test obedience to authority (Milgram, 1963). He crafted his obedience experiments in an effort to identify how far human beings will actually go when an authority figure orders them to hurt another human being. In his original experiments Milgram reported that 63% of the participants continued to administer all the shocks demanded of them even with the other individual (an actor) “screamed in agony.” Interestingly enough, one study found that Australian women were much less obedient. More tomorrow.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Inherited Intelligence, Part 2

2011 studies by Christopher Badcock PhD suggested that the Y likely carries 100 or so genes with no evidence that any are linked to cognitive ability. While the X carries around 1,200-odd genes, with mounting evidence that at least 150 of these genes are linked to intelligence, and definite evidence that verbal IQ is X-linked. Some studies have also suggested that a father’s X-chromosome genes may be responsible for much of the development of the brain’s limbic system, while a mother’s X-chromosome genes may be more related to cognitive abilities. (But the father got his X from his mother . . .) See what I mean? Some define intelligence simply as the ability to solve problems. But to solve problems, the limbic system is activated as well because the brain works as a whole. Even if intelligence is closely linked to rational thinking functions, it is also influenced by intuition and emotions. While intelligence levels impact the ability to solve problems, effective problem-solving involves cognitive as well as emotional abilities. I guess we’ll just need to stay tuned.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Inherited Intelligence

Some estimate that only about 40-60% of intelligence is inherited, the remaining percentage depending on how the brain is stimulated and what happens in the environments to which the brain is exposed. For example, is the brain being stimulated and challenged with creative activities and learning or is it exposed to mostly passive mental picturing activities as occurs with watching television? This means that even when a child possesses a high IQ range, that intelligence potential must be nourished. Work by Robert Lehrke revealed that a child’s intelligence depends on the X chromosome and that cognitive abilities on the X chromosome are passed from father to daughter and not from father to son (which invalidated earlier studies of parent-child transmission of IQ, which included father-son correlations). Lehrke also noted that males are more likely to be exceptionally high in cognitive abilities (other than memory), especially in such areas as advanced mathematics, spatial perception, and creative music. In some ways, the more research that is released the more confusing this becomes. More tomorrow.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Your Performance on Stage

In Kindergarten, five-old Farguart learned to hang a sign around his neck with a ‘feeling’ label on it to identify the emotion he was experiencing, and to change the ‘feeling’ label as he climbed to joy on the little wooden stairs steps:

  • Joy:            I feel glad
  • Anger:        I feel mad
  • Fear:          I feel scared
  • Sadness:    I feel so-sad
 If little Farguart could learn to identify emotions and feelings, articulate desirable behaviors—and then actually follow-through and exhibit them—so can you. Moreover you can role-model these skills to others and help them develop their skills that contribute 80% to their success in life. In the process, you, too can be more successful.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Your Personal Brain Stage

   You may recall the famous quote to the effect that all the world is a stage and we are only players. Metaphorically, your brain has a stage and you are on it every waking moment of your entire life. One personal assistant (core emotion) is on stage with you at a time, with the other three waiting in the wings to move on or off the stage, one at a time, depending on the circumstances and events in your life. According to Candace B. Pert, PhD, a specific neuropeptide (a brain chemical than affects moods) may be associated with each emotion so you can experience only one core emotion at a time, although they can rapidly alternate on stage. Learn to identify quickly when emotions change on stage. Your brain will create a feeling about the emotion and what it means. Know that you have the power to change the way you feel by changing the way you think about the event or situation because feelings always follow thoughts. More tomorrow

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Improve Your EQ Skills

Live at joy and when a protective emotions surfaces, deal with it timely and effectively. Then walk back up the metaphorical emotions staircase to Joy. Using the new and more effective style, talk your way back up as needed. Stop talking about the old behavior and only talk about the behavior you want to have happen. Talk to yourself and to others using ‘your name’ plus ‘you’ and short, positive, present-tense words. For example:

  • “Jim, you say ‘excuse me’ when leaving the table”
  • “Remi, you pet the dog gently and kindly”
  • “Toni, you walk in the morning for 20 minutes”
  • "Pearl, you speak kindly to your sibling"
 As your own EQ skills improve, the protective emotions are less likely to be triggered from learned anger, anxiety, or imaginary fears. You become less and less likely to exhibit JOT behaviors (Jumping to Conclusions, Overreacting, Taking things personally).
More tomorrow.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Role-modeling Sadness to Children

1.   Identify the loss and the pain of sadness. Loss is part and parcel of being human and need not signal the end of life as the child knows it. Appropriate grieving and recovery gives the child hope for the future and shows that it is possible for life to continue bringing memories along with it (e.g., carry the memories of the person you love in your heart and mind)

2.   Verbalize calmly and appropriately “My heart is so-sad . . . “ or “My heart hurts because . . . “

3. Be congruent: Exhibit a sad expression. This may or may not include tears. Avoid sobbing and hysteria, which can frighten a child. Avoid prolonged periods of sadness—get help to resolve this as needed. Children need a happy childhood. Doses of reality will definitely be there as circumstances arisebut they should never be allowed to destroy the joys of childhood.)

4. Exhibit appropriate actions: This will depend on the type of loss. The goal is to move through recovery and embrace living a full life in a timely manner, retaining memories but letting go the sting of the loss.  More tomorrow.

Friday, June 8, 2018

Role-modeling Fear to Children

1. Identify the perceived danger and whether it is real and actual or imagined. Fear, managed appropriately, helps you avoid danger and/or protect yourself and your loved ones from danger. Appropriate role-modeling of fear helps the child avoid immobilization due to terror or injury due to recklessness.

2. Verbalize calmly and appropriately: “I’m scared. The sound of thunder can be very scary – we are safer to go inside” or “I’m a little frightened of speaking in public – My practicing is helping me to know I am able to do this. I choose to enjoy it.”

3. Be congruent: If it is genuine fear, frown and exhibit a protective posture. If imagined fear, keep your face calm and take a few deep breaths.

4. Exhibit an appropriate action: a hug or hand on arm or shoulder can help the child to know that fear can be managed. If it involves your imagined fears, smile and exhibit a confident posture.
More tomorrow.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Role-modeling Anger to Children

1.   Identify the boundary invasion: addressing a boundary invasion appropriately helps reinforce respect for your own personal space as well as that of others. Doing so definitely and graciously role-models that retaliation need not be part of implementing and maintaining personal boundaries.

2.   Verbalize calmly and appropriately: “I’m mad I was shoved. . . It’s important to avoid shoving. . .” Save any adult-style personal discussions for your support system. Children’s brains are insufficiently developed to cope with intense adult emotions and should not be subjected to them—it can be frightening.

3. Be congruent: Keep your face calm without a smile while verbalizing the above. Keep your posture somewhat stiff to emphasize this is important. No joking, etc.

4. Exhibit a functional action: Take a couple of deep breaths. Avoid any blame statements. Make it clear that you know what happened, got the information, have addressed it, and now you are letting it go. This helps a child to compare desirable versus undesirable behavior. Now is the time to smile and be gracious. If forgiveness is appropriate and you have worked through that, mention that you choose to forgive the person because you choose to be healthy.
More tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Role-modeling Joy to Children

1.   Identify things or situations for which you can express: Appreciation, Contentment, Gratitude, and Happiness. The more you recognize small “joys” in life the more you program the dopamine circuits in The Brain Reward System to respond to them

2.   Verbalize often: I am glad about . . . Life is good . . . How beautiful this _________ is . . .You are valuable just because you exist . . . I am happy you are part of my family . . .  

3.   Consistently exhibit congruence: pleasant, happy face, and an open relaxed posture

4. Choose to smile frequently: your smiles help a child feel valuable, cherished, and safe. When you smile, it often elicits smiles in others, in your child. Avoid trying to act euphoric on an ongoing basis. Euphoria involves genuine brief episodes of intense joy that cannot be sustained (e.g., straight lined) without an addictive behavior.
More tomorrow

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Teaching EQ to Children, 5

Children always watch you closely, even after they reach adulthood. When you are in the grip of a strong core emotion, they may wonder what the emotion(s) means in your life, how you deal with the emotions, and if they are safe with you. Here are four tips:

1.   Accurately identify the emotion that has arisen in your brain and body and be honest about it, first to yourself and then to your children. Remember that frustration and irritation are likely part of the emotion of anger.
2.   Verbalize the emotion using age-appropriate feeling words (I’m glad, mad, scared, so-sad, etc.)
3.   Be congruent at all times. Make sure your words, voice tones, and body language all match so there is no confusion created in the observers’ mind
4.   Take appropriate and needed actions (which may mean doing
nothing at the moment—just gaining information that can help you make a good choice in the future)
More tomorrow.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Teaching EQ to Children, 4

Did you grow up learning that all emotions are positive? They are simply signals designed to move valuable information from the subconscious to the conscious mind. Joy is the desirable default position .It is the only core emotion that has no negative consequences when maintained over time. Joy appears to be aligned with the left hemisphere of the brain. The three protective emotions, anger, fear, and sadness, are aligned with the right hemisphere. When protective emotions are maintained over time, negative consequences often arise. Mismanaged emotions and behaviors that result in negative outcomes may build cellular memories—often impacting generation after generation. If anger surfaces in your brain frequently, ask, “Who was angry in my family or the past few generations?” If you are frequently fearful ask,” “Who was fearful in my family or the past few generations?” If you struggle with sadness, ask, “Who was sad in my family or the past few generations?” More tomorrow.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Teaching EQ to Children, 3

Four core emotions can be seen on the face of the fetus during pregnancy based on what it happening to the mother emotionally:
·         Joy—a signal that all is going quite well in life. It provides energy to live life to its fullness; when problems arise, you know you have the tools / support network to handle them, which give you some calm assurance
·         Anger—a signal that your boundaries have been invaded. It provides information and energy to create and implement appropriate personal limits
·         Fear—a signal that you may be in some type of danger (real or imagined). It provides information and energy to help you take steps to protect yourself and those you love.
·         Sadness—a signal that you have suffered a loss. It provides information and energy to help you grieve the loss, recover, (learn to feel better), and move back to joy.
You are not responsible for every emotion that surfaces, Typically you are responsible for those that arise based on what you put into your brain (e.g., what you see, hear, watch, read . . .), as well as identifying your feelings and choosing either to hang onto them or to change them by altering the way you are thinking. And, finally, for the behaviors you exhibit and the actions you take. More tomorrow.

Thursday, May 31, 2018

Teaching EQ to Children, 2

Perhaps the fastest way to learn desirable new behaviors is to watch people who are exhibiting them. When you observe someone else’s behaviors, mirror neurons in your brain fire as if you were actually doing what you are watching. (By watching your brain can become changed.) You can then choose to move the behavior to motor neurons and actually implement, practice, and exhibit those behaviors. Since EQ is all about “managing” emotions effectively and exhibiting appropriate behaviors based on the information they are moving from the subconscious to the conscious, teaching EQ to children needs to start with simple information about the four core emotions. When teaching EQ skills, remember study conclusions on how the message content that contains emotions or attitudes tends to be conveyed:
    • Words:  7-10%
    • Tonality and voice inflections: 15-38%
    • Body language: 55-75%
More tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Teaching Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to Children

The brain will learn. Children will learn. Period. But what they learn may not be what you hoped or envisioned. You role model (and teach) both consciously and subconsciously. Naturally, you teach consciously what you know, which includes what you consciously choose to role model. What you “don’t know you don’t know” is still transmitted subconsciously. You teach subconsciously what you do automatically via subconscious role-modeling. This includes absorbed beliefs and expectations. The more you learn and put into practice, the more effective your role modeling can be related to desirable behaviors. This includes helping children learn emotionally intelligent behaviors. What a wonderful gift to them if you can help them develop high levels of EQ behaviors. But you can only teach and role-model what you know. More tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

EQ and Success

Response #2 for question Seven represents the highest level of EQ.

In the School of Life Emotional Intelligence is a required course for success in every aspect of life—and a next class is always available. However, the homework is challenging, and exams are often tough to pass, so many drop out. You can do it and help others raise their level of EQ by watching your role-modeling. As the old saying goes: If at first you don’t succeed, try again. The higher you raise your EQ the faster you begin to identify low-EQ behaviors and the easier it is to apply the skills you are learning. In my life it has absolutely been worth the effort—and the sky is the limit.

Monday, May 28, 2018

EQ Question Seven

Response #4 for question Six represents the highest level of EQ. You can either exhibit JOT behaviors or you can appreciate them pointing out you need to learn the lingo (even if you don’t particularly like the side comments). And you can learn!

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

After involuntary transfer to a project with a new boss in a remote area (albeit with a pay hike and promotion possibility), you:

1.   Mark time waiting for a promotion
2.   Choose to enjoy the challenge and the pay raise
3. Complain or whine and ask “Why me?”
4. Jump the gun and seriously think of resigning and looking
    for a new job

Friday, May 25, 2018

EQ Question Six

Response #3 for question Five represents the highest level of EQ. People have a right to their own opinions and behaviors. If their opinions and behaviors are impacting your own personal boundaries, then you simply set and implement your boundaries.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When co-workers comment you must not be very smart since you don’t know the lingo at your new job, you:

1.   Ignore them
2. Ask them to keep their opinions to themselves
3. Request a transfer to another department
4.   Evaluate their comments, accept the challenge, and learn
    the appropriate lingo

Thursday, May 24, 2018

EQ Question Five

Response #3 for question Four represents the highest level of EQ. Most of the time the topic will not come up again unless you bring it up. On the chance it does surface, you will be ready to calmly state your opinion or position and then let it go.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When newcomers with different opinions attend your group, you:

1. Ignore them and hope they go away
2.   Criticize them to others
3.   Accept them “as is” and set our own boundaries as needed
4. Advise them to change in order to be accepted

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

EQ Question Four

Response #4 represents the highest level of EQ for question three. Unless you can bring the need to alter behaviors to everyone’s attention appropriately, the same “failure to hear” will likely be repeated in the same meeting.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When you hear from a third party that someone made a negative comment about you or a friend of yours, you:
1.   Ignore it
2. Retaliate or try to defend yourself
3. Think about something else and be ready to state your
    viewpoint calmly IF the subject comes up
4. Feel hurt or sad and lose sleep over it

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

EQ Question Three

Response #2 for question Two represents the highest level of EQ. Contentment is a choice. Many people have everything they “need” to be contented. They just “want” more and, therefore, miss contentment, even as they keep working toward their goals.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When a hearing-impaired person in your group misunderstands a phrase, you:

1.   Laugh with the others
2.   Ignore the incident
3. Repeat the phrase so the person gets it
4.   Help the person and comment aloud to the group about the need to speak louder

Monday, May 21, 2018

EQ Question Two

Response #2 for question One represents the highest level of EQ. That’s the preferred way to process what happened so you can learn to analyze behaviors and select a different behavior in the future that can give you a more desirable outcome.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

Explain your current life in one sentence:

1.   Okay – life is a 50:50 mixed experience
2.   Successful – a contented person who has what could
     make you happy
3.   Comfortable – but basically just a puppet in life
4.   Uncomfortable – a person who deserves better but can’t get it

Friday, May 18, 2018

EQ Question One

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When an idea you really believe in is rejected, you:

1.   Feel totally put down and tell others how unfair this was
2.   Analyze reasons for the defeat and brainstorm another way to present the idea
3.   Figure winning and losing are all part of the game
4.   Wait for the next opportunity to beat your opponents

Thursday, May 17, 2018

EQ Assessment

Since one's level of EQ does not show up in IQ tests and since the 2006 study indicated that managers were spending 18 percent of their work time on employee conflict (much of which reflected low levels of EQ), some are working on developing an EQ assessment. Dr. Dalip Singh of India and author of Emotional Intelligence at Work: A Professional Guide is one of them. One of his goals is to develop an assessment that Human Resource Departments can use to evaluate employment applicants. Since nearly one fifth of the manager’s time in the studies performed is being spent on employee conflicts—that often reflect low levels of EQ—he would like to create an applicant tool that might be able to screen out individuals with low levels of EQ. And if the applicant “scammed the assessment” the manager would be able to say, “Your assessment showed that you understand the principles of high EQ. Can you explain the reason your behaviors do not align with that understanding?” Seven sample questions follow. They can work just as well for individuals who are raising their level of EQ. Check out each one and evaluate your responses and your EQ knowledge. The “answers” will follow the next day.

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Dump the “Silent Treatment”

Studies have shown that giving a friend, partner, or spouse the silent treatment is a classic signal that the relationship is in big trouble. Some researchers say it is one of the most common and most toxic patterns in a relationship. Some psychologists refer to it as a “demand-withdraw” patterns. One of the individuals complains or criticizes the other person, while that person withdraws and exhibits the “silent treatment.” Professor Paul Schrodt put it this way: “It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship. And it does tremendous damage.” Are you guilty of this behavior? If so, know that it represents low levels of Emotional Intelligence. You might be well-advised to take whatever steps are necessary to dump this behavior in favor of behaviors that can result in positive outcomes.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

F-O-O Work

Studies have indicated that only thirty percent of how we relate to others, especially close friends, partners, spouses, and sexual relationships, has to do with the other person. Seventy percent has to do with our personal past history, which for most people appears to go largely unexplored and uninvestigated. Family-of-origin work can be very helpful in looking at the relationship patterns in the present generation and then back three or four generations, if it is possible to get information. Were JOT behaviors exhibited? What were the patterns of shame and guilt? Was healthy shame and healthy guilt exhibited as a rule or not? Did family members take responsibility for their mistakes and apologize as necessary or did they tend to blame others as the cause of all their problems. Figuring this out can provide some clues about behaviors that you may have “come by honestly” but that you can choose to alter.