Teaching EQ to Children, 2

Perhaps the fastest way to learn desirable new behaviors is to watch people who are exhibiting them. When you observe someone else’s behaviors, mirror neurons in your brain fire as if you were actually doing what you are watching. (By watching your brain can become changed.) You can then choose to move the behavior to motor neurons and actually implement, practice, and exhibit those behaviors. Since EQ is all about “managing” emotions effectively and exhibiting appropriate behaviors based on the information they are moving from the subconscious to the conscious, teaching EQ to children needs to start with simple information about the four core emotions. When teaching EQ skills, remember study conclusions on how the message content that contains emotions or attitudes tends to be conveyed:

• Words:  7-10%
• Tonality and voice inflections: 15-38%
• Body language: 55-75%

More tomorrow.

Teaching Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to Children

The brain will learn. Children will learn. Period. But what they learn may not be what you hoped or envisioned. You role model (and teach) both consciously and subconsciously. Naturally, you teach consciously what you know, which includes what you consciously choose to role model. What you “don’t know you don’t know” is still transmitted subconsciously. You teach subconsciously what you do automatically via subconscious role-modeling. This includes absorbed beliefs and expectations. The more you learn and put into practice, the more effective your role modeling can be related to desirable behaviors. This includes helping children learn emotionally intelligent behaviors. What a wonderful gift to them if you can help them develop high levels of EQ behaviors. But you can only teach and role-model what you know. More tomorrow.

EQ and Success

Response #2 for question Seven represents the highest level of EQ.

In the School of Life Emotional Intelligence is a required course for success in every aspect of life—and a next class is always available. However, the homework is challenging, and exams are often tough to pass, so many drop out. You can do it and help others raise their level of EQ by watching your role-modeling. As the old saying goes: If at first you don’t succeed, try again. The higher you raise your EQ the faster you begin to identify low-EQ behaviors and the easier it is to apply the skills you are learning. In my life it has absolutely been worth the effort—and the sky is the limit.

EQ Question Seven

Response #4 for question Six represents the highest level of EQ. You can either exhibit JOT behaviors or you can appreciate them pointing out you need to learn the lingo (even if you don’t particularly like the side comments). And you can learn!

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

After involuntary transfer to a project with a new boss in a remote area (albeit with a pay hike and promotion possibility), you:

1.   Mark time waiting for a promotion

2.   Choose to enjoy the challenge and the pay raise

3. Complain or whine and ask “Why me?”

4. Jump the gun and seriously think of resigning and looking

    for a new job

EQ Question Six

Response #3 for question Five represents the highest level of EQ. People have a right to their own opinions and behaviors. If their opinions and behaviors are impacting your own personal boundaries, then you simply set and implement your boundaries.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When co-workers comment you must not be very smart since you don’t know the lingo at your new job, you:

1.   Ignore them

2. Ask them to keep their opinions to themselves

3. Request a transfer to another department

4.   Evaluate their comments, accept the challenge, and learn

    the appropriate lingo

EQ Question Five

Response #3 for question Four represents the highest level of EQ. Most of the time the topic will not come up again unless you bring it up. On the chance it does surface, you will be ready to calmly state your opinion or position and then let it go.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When newcomers with different opinions attend your group, you:

1. Ignore them and hope they go away

2.   Criticize them to others

3.   Accept them “as is” and set our own boundaries as needed

4. Advise them to change in order to be accepted

EQ Question Four

Response #4 represents the highest level of EQ for question three. Unless you can bring the need to alter behaviors to everyone’s attention appropriately, the same “failure to hear” will likely be repeated in the same meeting.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When you hear from a third party that someone made a negative comment about you or a friend of yours, you:

1.   Ignore it

2. Retaliate or try to defend yourself

3. Think about something else and be ready to state your

    viewpoint calmly IF the subject comes up

4. Feel hurt or sad and lose sleep over it

EQ Question Three

Response #2 for question Two represents the highest level of EQ. Contentment is a choice. Many people have everything they “need” to be contented. They just “want” more and, therefore, miss contentment, even as they keep working toward their goals.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When a hearing-impaired person in your group misunderstands a phrase, you:

1.   Laugh with the others

2.   Ignore the incident

3. Repeat the phrase so the person gets it

4.   Help the person and comment aloud to the group about the need to speak louder

EQ Question Two

Response #2 for question One represents the highest level of EQ. That’s the preferred way to process what happened so you can learn to analyze behaviors and select a different behavior in the future that can give you a more desirable outcome.

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

Explain your current life in one sentence:

1.   Okay – life is a 50:50 mixed experience

2.   Successful – a contented person who has what could

     make you happy

3.   Comfortable – but basically just a puppet in life

4.   Uncomfortable – a person who deserves better but can’t get it

EQ Question One

Select the response that in your brain’s opinion represents the highest level of EQ along with reasons for your choice.

When an idea you really believe in is rejected, you:

1.   Feel totally put down and tell others how unfair this was

2.   Analyze reasons for the defeat and brainstorm another way to present the idea

3.   Figure winning and losing are all part of the game

4.   Wait for the next opportunity to beat your opponents

EQ Assessment

Since one's level of EQ does not show up in IQ tests and since the 2006 study indicated that managers were spending 18 percent of their work time on employee conflict (much of which reflected low levels of EQ), some are working on developing an EQ assessment. Dr. Dalip Singh of India and author of Emotional Intelligence at Work: A Professional Guide is one of them. One of his goals is to develop an assessment that Human Resource Departments can use to evaluate employment applicants. Since nearly one fifth of the manager’s time in the studies performed is being spent on employee conflicts—that often reflect low levels of EQ—he would like to create an applicant tool that might be able to screen out individuals with low levels of EQ. And if the applicant “scammed the assessment” the manager would be able to say, “Your assessment showed that you understand the principles of high EQ. Can you explain the reason your behaviors do not align with that understanding?” Seven sample questions follow. They can work just as well for individuals who are raising their level of EQ. Check out each one and evaluate your responses and your EQ knowledge. The “answers” will follow the next day.

Dump the “Silent Treatment”

Studies have shown that giving a friend, partner, or spouse the silent treatment is a classic signal that the relationship is in big trouble. Some researchers say it is one of the most common and most toxic patterns in a relationship. Some psychologists refer to it as a “demand-withdraw” patterns. One of the individuals complains or criticizes the other person, while that person withdraws and exhibits the “silent treatment.” Professor Paul Schrodt put it this way: “It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship. And it does tremendous damage.” Are you guilty of this behavior? If so, know that it represents low levels of Emotional Intelligence. You might be well-advised to take whatever steps are necessary to dump this behavior in favor of behaviors that can result in positive outcomes.

F-O-O Work

Studies have indicated that only thirty percent of how we relate to others, especially close friends, partners, spouses, and sexual relationships, has to do with the other person. Seventy percent has to do with our personal past history, which for most people appears to go largely unexplored and uninvestigated. Family-of-origin work can be very helpful in looking at the relationship patterns in the present generation and then back three or four generations, if it is possible to get information. Were JOT behaviors exhibited? What were the patterns of shame and guilt? Was healthy shame and healthy guilt exhibited as a rule or not? Did family members take responsibility for their mistakes and apologize as necessary or did they tend to blame others as the cause of all their problems. Figuring this out can provide some clues about behaviors that you may have “come by honestly” but that you can choose to alter.

JOT Behaviors

JOT behaviors, so called, represent low levels of EQ. Evaluate your life for the presence of one or more of these behaviors. That can give you a starting place for something to work on resolving.

• J stands for jumping to conclusions
• O stands for overreacting
• T stands for taking things personally

 Pay attention to the behaviors you exhibit. Catch yourself every time you exhibit a JOT behavior and course correct immediately. The goal, of course, is to catch yourself BEFORE you exhibit the JOT behavior and select a more desirable behavior to begin with.

Using Different Words

Unfortunately, in many languages the words for emotions and feelings are the virtually the same. Anger and angry, Fear and afraid, etc. Using different words for feelings may help you to differentiate them from the signals of emotion. For example:

•          Anger surfaces – You feel mad

•           Fear surfaces – You feel scared

•           Sadness surfaced – You feel bad-sad

•           Joy surfaces – You feel glad

•           Euphoria surfaces – You feel wow!

It is possible to tech this to four and five year old children. If they can learn to do this, so can you. You may enjoy reading a story about that entitled: If a Child Can . . .

http://arlenetaylor.org/articles-monographs/taylor-articles/emotions/39-if-a-child-can

EQ Behavior – 8

Individuals with high levels of EQ skills tend to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They are able to handle relationships effectively, minimizing any tendency to exhibit JOT behaviors. They avoid jumping to conclusions, overreacting, and taking things personally. Minimizing those low-EQ behaviors can tend to diminish the amount of potentially hurt feelings and conflict in one’s life.

EQ Behavior – 7

Individuals with high levels of EQ tend to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They are able to manage their own feelings and moods effectively, understanding that a mood is simply a feeling that hangs around for a time (sometimes for a very long time). They know that feelings follow thoughts. Therefore, they are able to change their thoughts so their feelings change with their thoughts. This can result in a change of mood.

EQ Behavior – 6

Individuals with high levels of EQ skills tend to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They exhibit effective verbal and nonverbal skills along with appropriate empathy and compassion. They can exhibit empathy and still get the job done, while also maintaining appropriate boundaries. This can be a challenge for parents if their goal is to have their children “like” everything they do. Parents can express empathy when their children would like to stay up late on a school night to watch a TV program. Knowing that on a school night the children need to get the required amount of sleep, however, they can get the job done by insisting that bedtime is honored. Perhaps the program can be recorded for viewing later.

EQ Behavior – 5

Individuals with high levels of EQ skills tend to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They are able to listen, read and interpret social cues, and understand the perspective of others whether or not there is agreement.(High levels of EQ is not about requiring agreement!) They understand that each brain is unique and only has its own opinion, even if that opinion is formed on the basis of another brain’s opinion. They can “agree to disagree” without it ruining a friendship.

EQ Behavior – 4

Individuals with high levels of EQ skills end to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They are able to articulate the difference between recognizing and identifying a specific emotion and obtaining the information the emotion is attempting to convey, and taking action based on that emotion. They recognize that sometimes the preferred course is to take no immediate action at all. Rather to absorb the information, store it in the brain, and be ready to apply what they learned should a similar situation arise in the future.

EQ Behavior – 3

Individuals with high levels of EQ skills tend to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They are able to delay gratification and exhibit good impulse control. Note: you may find it interesting to read the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment and ask yourself what you would have done had you been a participant in the original study? In 2011, brain imaging studies were done on a sample number from the original Stanford participant group, all now in mid-life. Studies showed key differences in two brain areas when comparing participants with high delay times against those who had shown low delay times. In those with high delay times the prefrontal cortex (planning, evaluating, deciding, and choosing) was more active. In addition, the Ventral Striatum (linked with addictions and a function of association learning) was more active when participants were trying to control their responses to alluring temptations. Activity was greatest when the individuals expected to be rewarded for their decision with high certainty.

EQ Behavior – 2

Individuals with high levels of EQ skills tend to exhibit the following behavior quite consistently.

They are able to recognize what the care emotion is trying to communicate to them. They know that each core emotion is designed to provide them with information to help them relate to a specific type of situation successfully. When an emotion surfaces they think about what just happened, was is happening, or what appears to be going to happen and pair that information with what the emotion is attempting to communicate to them.