· “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back, relax, and… OH, MY GOODNESS!!!” Silence for several minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you earlier, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger yelled... “Well, you should see the back of mine!!!”
· "Ladies and Gentlemen, that was a real crusher of a landing," said the flight attendant. "Please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- · This is your purser speaking," said the senior airline attendant. "I am pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"